Is this the oddest news programme of all time?

by Robert Popper on November 1, 2009 · View Comments

I can hardly believe that this show exists. Not in another Universe. In this one. The one we are in right now…

OK, the 9 Reasons why this programme is bonkers:

1. The sheer amount of constantly changing text on screen. Translating every utterance into every language.
2. The report on Uganda ending with the female newsreader thanking the Ugandan President for his work.
3. The way the male newsreader (that sort of man/human/thing) talks. (Homer Simpson?)
4. A ‘Joke of the Day’ section. Yes, a ‘Joke of the Day’ section. In the middle of the News.
5. The joke being in Indonesian.
6. The way the programme suddenly shifts into issues of vegetarianism and veganism.
7. “May celestial light and love shine on you and your co-citizens of Great England”.
8. Suddenly saying goodbye in Cantonese.
9. The name of the network: ‘Supreme Master TV.’ Who is this Supreme Master?

Can any of you find a 10th reason?

This may take over from DBN (Sky channel 595) as the most addictive channel on TV. Will keep you all updated.

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The maddest channel on Sky Digital – fact | BitterWallet: November 2, 2009 at 9:01 am

{ 40 comments }

1 Dan November 1, 2009 at 2:42 pm: This is one of the weirdest things ever. Here's more info on our Supreme Master:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ching_Hai
2 wowser808 November 1, 2009 at 3:11 pm: I also like the fact they've hired George Bush Sr (post-lobotomy) as one of the news anchors.
3 J Goodwin November 1, 2009 at 3:14 pm: It must be mentioned that this is Sky TV channel 835.
4 Eddie Robson November 1, 2009 at 3:18 pm: Reason 10: how about the fact that, even though there's all this text on-screen all the time, the “Heartline” feels that the best way to illustrate the viewer's call is with even more text, replicating what is already there? Couldn't they do a cartoon of “Olivier from Great England” as they did with the Joke of the Day, or maybe show some images of vegetarian and/or vegan food?
5 moogyboobles November 1, 2009 at 3:18 pm: 10. the way the Viewer's Heartline telephone jumps all sprightly like.
6 pidg November 1, 2009 at 3:35 pm: Even after repeated watches, the bit where the anchor says “Concerned Oliver, it is nice to know that you are enjoying watching Supreme Master Television …”, while the lift music plays in the background, gets no weirder. It's like something out of Doctor Who.
7 Vijay Khurana November 1, 2009 at 3:49 pm: Wow. How does it feel as a satirist when the real world throws up gems like this? Threatening, like a lion at your door? Or beautiful, like a lion at your window?
8 Olli Challiner November 1, 2009 at 4:19 pm: number 10: i dont like how the vegetarian/vegan guy's name changes from olivier to oliver.
9 Olli Challiner November 1, 2009 at 4:19 pm: number 10: i dont like how the vegetarian/vegan guy's name changes from olivier to oliver.
10 meniscus November 1, 2009 at 4:39 pm: Re. point #3: Is that a hint of Michael 6 in there as well?
11 meniscus November 1, 2009 at 4:39 pm: Re. point #3: Is that a hint of Michael 6 in there as well?
12 Dirk November 1, 2009 at 5:03 pm: Here she is, not quite Servalan but I think the Supreme Master is somebody's mum; watch her tell the silly breatharian to go and eat at about two minutes in. “I just don't want you to waste food!” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvplDUKYgKU&feat...

10. “The address on your screen.” I'll just get a p..
13 Dirk November 1, 2009 at 5:03 pm: Here she is, not quite Servalan but I think the Supreme Master is somebody's mum; watch her tell the silly breatharian to go and eat at about two minutes in. “I just don't want you to waste food!” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvplDUKYgKU&feat...

10. “The address on your screen.” I'll just get a p..
14 Boaby November 1, 2009 at 5:39 pm: The canned laughter on the joke.
15 Boaby November 1, 2009 at 5:39 pm: The canned laughter on the joke.
16 jjcrikey November 1, 2009 at 5:41 pm: Magnificent….

I have a feeling though that the cast of Crossroads could show up at any moment and pray for us….oh my
17 jjcrikey November 1, 2009 at 5:41 pm: Magnificent….

I have a feeling though that the cast of Crossroads could show up at any moment and pray for us….oh my
18 Lenny November 1, 2009 at 5:50 pm: I'm all for subtitles but 20 is too damn much!

I draw the line at 2!
19 Lenny November 1, 2009 at 5:50 pm: I'm all for subtitles but 20 is too damn much!

I draw the line at 2!
20 spoon November 1, 2009 at 6:15 pm: 10. The narrator reads the name of the heartline caller as Olivier but then the main presenter calls him Oliver two seconds later.
21 spoon November 1, 2009 at 6:15 pm: 10. The narrator reads the name of the heartline caller as Olivier but then the main presenter calls him Oliver two seconds later.
22 JohnnyW2001 November 1, 2009 at 7:18 pm: Wow. Just… wow. It feels like TV from the future… after we've been invaded and overrun by aliens who look human. I love it. I only wish they hadn't been based in California. I feel as though they should be based in some Asiatic country I've never heard of.

I need this channel. It's better than Star Trek!
23 JohnnyW2001 November 1, 2009 at 7:18 pm: Wow. Just… wow. It feels like TV from the future… after we've been invaded and overrun by aliens who look human. I love it. I only wish they hadn't been based in California. I feel as though they should be based in some Asiatic country I've never heard of.

I need this channel. It's better than Star Trek!
24 JohnnyW2001 November 1, 2009 at 7:23 pm: Oh, and 10th reason (how could you miss this?), the monotone and robotic way in which the “Viewer's Heartline” is read. Please note: This viewer has not in any way been brainwashed.
25 JohnnyW2001 November 1, 2009 at 7:23 pm: Oh, and 10th reason (how could you miss this?), the monotone and robotic way in which the “Viewer's Heartline” is read. Please note: This viewer has not in any way been brainwashed.
26 gottago November 2, 2009 at 6:01 am: I'm watching some this live now and they've just given a MASSIVE list of all the satellite providers they're available on. They just said “If you're in England, Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland you can watch us on…” Now if only there were a quicker way of grouping those four countries together.
27 mrruffles November 2, 2009 at 7:10 am: Their awkwardly staggered speech and seemingly randomised intonations makes each of the speakers on this program talk like… a speak and spell.

Utterly incredible. I doth my hat to you Robert, for finding this.
28 Lisa November 2, 2009 at 7:20 am: Is that male newscaster animatronic?
29 dunkndisorderly November 2, 2009 at 8:14 am: Seriously this is insane! but hilarious!
30 Spaldo November 2, 2009 at 8:49 am: They are HQ'd in Arcadia, California
31 annie lpool November 2, 2009 at 1:59 pm: 10. Male news reader is love child of Homer Simpson and Max Headroom
or
10. Viewers heartline????
32 Matthew Rosser November 2, 2009 at 3:41 pm: 10. Becoming a vegan seems to have cured Max Headroom's stammer and given him a new career.
33 dalas verdugo November 2, 2009 at 5:36 pm: This cult has a vegan restaurant here in Portland, Oregon. It's actually pretty good, and the people are nice. They have this channel playing on a TV in there. I'll buy you a meal if you ever come to town
34 Robert Popper November 3, 2009 at 2:37 am: I'll see you there then!
35 Bozarth November 3, 2009 at 1:20 pm: I think these anchors were kidnapped.
36 John November 3, 2009 at 2:15 pm: Praise Tarvu!
37 Kelda Wallis November 4, 2009 at 10:43 am: I feel the need to comment but to be honest I'm more than a little lost for words after watching that. I guess on the plus side I have an ice-breaker of a joke that I can whip out during those awkward moments at a dinner party, and I can now say 'goodbye' in Cantonese. So all is not lost.
38 Robert Popper November 4, 2009 at 3:03 pm: And it's a great joke too!
39 Kelda Wallis November 4, 2009 at 4:43 pm: I feel the need to comment but to be honest I'm more than a little lost for words after watching that. I guess on the plus side I have an ice-breaker of a joke that I can whip out during those awkward moments at a dinner party, and I can now say 'goodbye' in Cantonese. So all is not lost.
40 Robert Popper November 4, 2009 at 9:03 pm: And it's a great joke too!